March 28, 2012

Would You Read It Wednesday - The 33rd Pitch - And A Tour Update!

Oh.  My.  Goodness!

Apparently, Phyllis realized that April Fools Day was sneaking up on her, so she decided to ramp up the visit speed.  My head is spinning!  In the two days since I last posted, she has popped up all over the place and you won't want to miss any of her adventures or the truly awesome posts by her hosts even if it makes your head spin too!

I'm just going to make you a little list so it will be convenient :)

Phyllis Arrived In Maine to visit with Heather N. and her family.  More to come...

Phyllis Visited The Standing Stones at Avebury in the UK with Rebecca... and her 7 children! (These are 2 separate and different links, and the second one has video reviews by Rebecca's adorable, British-accented kids!)
Phyllis with Rebecca's clan at Avebury, UK
Phyllis Arrived In New Zealand to stay with Diane.

Phyllis Toured Auckland With Diane.
Phyllis in New Zealand!
Phyllis Visited The Dixon Kids in Clovis, CA.

Phyllis Visited Knoxville, TN with Donna.
Phyllis sits in with The Rowing Man :)
Phyllis Visited With Mrs. Kistler and the '49ers in San Antonio, TX before heading out on her School World Tour - next stop Washington!
Phyllis enjoys recess with The '49ers!
and last but not least, Phyllis Hangs Out In Windsor, Ontario (with Catherine) and Phyllis Visits With Heather B in Washington! (posts going up today!)

AND, if that wasn't enough to make you dizzy, she is currently headed for Vermont, another location in Washington, Australia, and Birmingham UK, AND we are still waiting for her to show up in Italy... apparently she either took an undisclosed side trip or a very long nap somewhere... we're hoping she'll emerge at some point!

That was in the last 2 days!  Hence the head spinning!

Anyone else ready for a nap?  At least it's Wednesday and we have chocolate :)

Now then, onto our Would You Read It!

Today's pitch comes to us from Terri, who has been an elementary school nurse as well as a pediatric/neonatal nurse for over 34 years and is currently working on acquiring and revamping an old ambulance to bring on school visits so kids can learn what equipment is in an ambulance and what happens when paramedics arrive.  It just so happens to go along with her book ideas.

Working Title:  First Aide For First Grade
Age/Genre: PB
The Pitch:  Mrs Fox is teaching first aide to the class. Charlie doesn't want to listen but his best friend is listening with both ears and it is a good thing. After the lesson, the boys run to the playground to play. Zip, Zap, Zing....and Ouch. Who will help Charlie when he is hurt at recess?

So what do you think?  Would You Read It?  YES, MAYBE or NO?

If your answer is YES, please feel free to tell us what you particularly liked and why the pitch piqued your interest.  If your answer is MAYBE or NO, please feel free to tell us what you think could be better in the spirit of helping Terri improve her pitch.  Helpful examples of possible alternate wordings are welcome.  (However, I must ask that comments be constructive and respectful.  I reserve the right not to publish comments that are mean because that is not what this is about.)

Please send YOUR pitches for the coming weeks!  For rules and where to submit, click on this link Would You Read It or on the Would You Read It tab in the bar above.  Go ahead and send your pitch for a chance for it to be read by editor Erin Molta!

Terri is looking forward to your thoughts on her pitch!

And I am going to try to catch up with that globe-trotting groundhog... after my nap :)


Reactions:

41 comments:

  1. Catherine JohnsonMarch 28, 2012 at 4:43 AM

    What an adventurous week for Phyllis. My post is up too, so I'll email the link next.

    I really like the sound of that picture book. I would simply leave out 'and it is a good thing' because that can be implied and it is a bit tighter without it. Great pitch!

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  2. So excited about having Phyllis to stay. Catherine took her to the museum and all sorts. I'll have to think of something exciting for her visit to Leicester UK.

    I like the idea of the story that you've pitched today but I think that the last sentence needs reworking. It's a bit clumsy as it stands. Maybe something along the lines of "Now Charlie's hurt and who can help him?"

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  3. GO PHYLLIS!

    I was a little confused at first about what the story was about, but I am assuming "aidE' is an American spelling, as in the UK we spell it with no e and an aide is someone who helps.

    Mine is a yes, but, maybe with some pitch tweaking?

    Mrs Fox is teaching first aid to the class. Charlie doesn't want to listen but his best friend is listening with both ears and it is a good thing. Zip, Zap, Zing....and a recess Ouch! Who will help Charlie now?

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  4. YAY Phyllis!!! I really enjoy "seeing" some of these places Phyllis goes to!
    I would read the book! It looks really cute! It is a great idea to have a book about first aid for little kids!
    Erik

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  5. Joanna is right with the spelling of aide versus aid in the US. Aide is a person, while aid can be used to refer to a person, but also to mean help given, such as first aid.

    If I saw it on the store shelf, there's a good chance I'd flip through the pages. If it was presented properly and the price was right, I could even see myself purchasing it for my 5 year old.

    First grade is the borderline age of teaching children first aid, in my mind, and I don't think most parents realize the importance of teaching children lifesaving techniques at an early age. Very young children who do make lifesaving decisions often find themselves in the news, even if it's just a 911 call. I think with more awareness, a book like this could be a hit. If nothing else, it might be a book to pitch to schools and educators.

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  6. Yes, I'd read the book but first, a few concerns. Aid for first aid should be without the e. Aide with the e is an assistant. Eileen Spinelli has a series of picture books with a Miss Fox as a teacher, and that's what your Mrs. Fox reminds me of. You might want to change to a different animal. "It is a good thing" could be deleted as it doesn't add much excitement. The story line sounds very cute and unique, teaching first aid to 1st graders! I love those active verbs. What if you deleted the best friend from your pitch? Having him in there seems to give away the ending. Good luck!

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  7. Rachel SchieffelbeinMarch 28, 2012 at 8:32 AM

    I would read it. :)My own first-grader is quite accident prone, she's spent a lot of time in the nurse's office at school. This would be good for her to know. :)

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  8. Penny KlostermannMarch 28, 2012 at 8:52 AM

    I would read it, but agree with others that the pitch needs a little work. At the end, you ask who will help Charlie...but you have already given that away by telling us his friend was listening. I do think you have an idea for stories that would be marketable. And I agree about the spelling of aid. Also, Mrs. needs a period after it.

    Wow...Phyllis IS really getting around quickly! I have definitely enjoyed her tour :-)

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  9. Terri, I love your idea of renovating an ambulance and sharing it with children. My very sensitive son was very distraught when I had to call the paramedics to our home to help my mother. With that said, I would definitely read your book. I am no pitch pro, but here are a couple of thoughts for revision:

    Mrs Fox is teaching first aide to the class (to make this more active, maybe describe what she does. Does she show them how to apply a bandaid?). Charlie doesn't want to listen but his best friend is listening with both ears and it is a good thing. (You use listen twice. Can you revise? Also I would delete "it is a good thing" in the spirit of show don't tell.) After the lesson, the boys run to the playground to play. Zip, Zap, Zing....and Ouch. Who will help Charlie when he is hurt at recess? (I love the ending!)

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  10. Thanks for your comment for Terri, Kirsten. Very helpful!

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  11. Thanks for your comment for Terri, Penny. And yes, Phyllis certainly is quite the world traveler. I just found out she might get to go to Prince Edward island and I am very jealous! :)

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  12. Thanks for your insights, Tina! I didn't know about Eileen's character - maybe Terri doesn't either!

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  13. Thanks so much for your thoughts, Reena!

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  14. I agree about the book, Erik - it's an important topic! And I'm having so much fun seeing where Phyllis goes too - so many places I've never been!

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  15. Thanks so much for your helpful comments for Terri, Joanna! And for cheering Phyllis on :)

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  16. Thanks for your comments for Terri, Rosalind! And I am sure Phyllis will have a lovely time with you no matter what you do! :)

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  17. Phyllis is having a crazy week, which is my only excuse for accidentally leaving you off the original post! *bangs head into wall and pulls out large fistfuls of hair* Sorry about that! But never fear - I have added you on!!! Loved your post and I hope everyone else will hop over and read it!

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  18. I can't wait for Phyllis to hit the Windy City!!

    I like your pitch Terri! I agree with Kristen - I'd take out "it is a good thing". I'd also take out the 'and' here: Zip, Zap, Zing.... Ouch. It gives the 'ouch' more oomph! Good job!

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  19. Phyllis can't wait to get there, Lori! She is a BIG Ferris Bueller fan :) I hope you have fun with her :)

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  20. Terri, you have a calling as a nurse, thanks for serving! How wonderful to turn your knowledge into a PB. As a former principal, and mom, and grandma - YES, I would read it and read it to children. Re your pitch, I'm no expert, but I wouldn't give away the plot, and perhaps tightening it up a bit. i.e.,
    "When Mrs. Fox is teaching first aide to the class Charlie isn't listening, but then at recess when Zip, Zap, Zing.... Ouch, he wonders if anyone can help him."
    Blessings on your book!
    Laura Miller

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  21. With the revisions mentioned here in the comments, I would read the book. I don't have anything new to add but would recommend the improvements mentioned. It sounds like an important book for first graders if some real first aid advice was added at the end as a non fiction supplement in the form of back matter, or back pages. I agree with the comment below that first aid is border line for this age group but would be valuable to have in their knowledge base.

    Thanks for sharing all those fun posts about Phyllis's travels, Susanna. :)

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  22. Well she can't wait to get to your house in Virginia, Clar! She has never been to Virginia! And it's really all the awesome people who have hosted and posted that we have to thank - everyone has been SO wonderful!!!

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  23. First, New Zealand is my favorite place in the whole wide world. Glad you shared comments and pictures! Delightful.

    I think the book idea is great. I never thought about teaching my little one first aid (she's five), but think I should do so!

    The suggestions below are all great. What a bunch of kind and insightful commentors.

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  24. My vote is MAYBE. I love the title! I don't read a lot of talking animal books, but if the illustrations were super cute, I'd get it from the library. As far as the pitch goes, I'd leave out "and good thing." I like the word play. Agree with other comments here on revision as well.

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  25. Glad you enjoyed the NZ posts :) And thanks for your comments for Terri. You are right that we have a truly wonderful group of people here who are always supportive and willing to help everyone out on their pitches - it's really amazing.

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  26. I think everyone has already given some great suggestions for the pitch. I would read it to my kids. :)

    And we hsd a great time toting Phyllis around to see the sights around Wiltshire with us. :)

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  27. I am thrilled that so many of you have commented and I love your ideas for revisions. I did not know about the series with Miss Fox so a change in teacher name could be a great thing. I will keep you posted about the progress. My ideas is that children don't need to have the skills to do adult first aid but need to be exposed and are able to call 911, stay calm, and do a simple task like cover a wound until help arrives. And I agree with a non-fiction section for parents to help explain real first aid and the reason children can be prepared.

    Thanks again for the comments, it is so encouraging.

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  28. She clearly had a wonderful time with you and your family! :)

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  29. Sounds like a winner, Terri! You've put to use the knowledge you have as a school nurse and rolled it into a

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  30. informative book that children can learn from in an enjoyable way. The only thing I would leave out would be the phrase, "it's a good thing". There should be a bit of mystery in the description to entice the readers. Well done, Terri! Sorry, I'm having issues with my iPad, and thus had to post twice.

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  31. Phyllis is going to be one tired ground hog by the time she returns home. She's having way to much fun with her hosts!

    I like the pitch and think a book on this subject is important. I just hope it has some good action, which I couldn't tell in the pitch.

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  32. Yeah, she may be tired for a few minutes, but after she has a good nap she'll be full of beans and demanding I take her to do something fun after all her wild times :) I'm afraid she's going to be spoiled for life :)

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  33. Phyllis makes me want to take a trip! I say yes to the pitch. I'm wondering about the best friend. The question at the end makes me think it could be someone else who helps — not the friend.

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  34. Phyllis reminds me I need to finish working on our summer travel plans! :)
    I like the pitch too and agree with the fixes everyone else wrote in the comments :)

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  35. Phyllis makes me want to take a trip too! But for now I will have to be content with virtual traveling :)

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  36. Me too! It's a college visit summer for us :)

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  37. Sounds like a great book to introduce children to the healing arts.

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